August 2005 - Arizona

8/1/05 - So, Steve was on the Today Show this morning. They arrived again at zero-dark-thirty, so he took a nice long nap afterward.

He has been waiting a long time to go to the Meteor Crater, so he was finally able to do that today also. He walked right past it several days ago, but it is a good 6 miles off the highway, so he didn't walk it.

Steve wanted to send a special thanks to Fire Captain Ron Martinez for keeping him company a while walking through Winona and Tommy Haines for giving him a place to crash in Flagstaff.

8/3/05 - Steve is camped out on the side of some road, somewhere between Winslow and Holbrook. He has the usual aches and pains; back, feet, legs, cuts and srapes. Just for the record, there are always aches and pains. He doesn't keep track of how far he goes, he just goes . . . I can't get too detailed about his location, for safety reasons. So, I'm afraid I don't have a whole lot to say today.

8/4/05 - Steve has (roughly) 70 miles before he hits the border of Arizona/New Mexico. He is a little under the weather with a cold right now and his aches and pains are more achy and painful. Tomorrow he makes his way toward more desolation until he reaches Gallup, NM. I think his body is still having difficulty adjusting to the extreme disparity in weather. One minute it's 98 degrees, and two minutes later it's hailing golf balls.

8/7/05 - Steve has been out of cell range, so I don't know how close he is getting to the New Mexico border. I expect he is probably within about 50 miles of it. I am not so worried about him this time. He is not on a desolate route 66. He knows he can get someone's attention if he needs help, but I expect he will be just fine. I will post as soon as I have some updated information. I know Steve had been working on some interesting tidbits for a journal entry, but I think he got out of service area before he was able to complete it for me.

8/8/05 - Steve has been dealing with some swollen feet and blurry vision today. He has an appointment to see a physician in New Mexico tomorrow, but as far as the walk is concerned, he is not quite there yet. After the appointment, he will resume tomorrow.

On a lighter note, Steve has signed a contract with HarperCollins - Regan Books, to publish the story of his journey once it is completed. I am happy to declare that I think we will be able to retain everything Steve thought he would lose to get his life back. I will be eternally grateful for all of the help we have received on the way. Every dollar that has been sent to help will be 'paid forward' to charitable causes through t-shirt proceeds. I don't have any details yet on the shirt or the causes, but I wanted to tell people that contributed that their generosity would be 'repaid' by helping others. Many people have expressed interest in buying a shirt, so as soon as I have the artwork (Steve has been working on that himself), I will post the picture. Once again, thank you so much!

In the middle of the monsoon season I walk into New Mexico

8/12/05 - Sorry it took a couple days to post a follow-up to Steve's doctor appointment. I had to leave town on short notice and just wasn't able to get to it until I returned. At any rate, Steve had a pulled or strained ligament in his foot, (very minor) and his vision issues stem from the sun being in his eyes on a regular basis anymore. He also needs to get his prescription sunglasses ordered, so he is not straining to see far away either. Steve was also weighed at the doctor's office and his weight as of Wednesday was 346 pounds.

8/14/05 - It has rained torrentially almost every day that Steve has been in New Mexico now. He is feeling a little run down and has a few cold symptoms. It has been hard for him to feel like going every morning. His stuff keeps getting soaked and it has been cold at night. He is now working his way toward Grants and then, onto Albuquerque. Like many places Steve has been now, the people he has met have been extremely kind and helpful. Thank you.

8/16/05 - Steve is feeling much better today.  The rain has eased up, and he continues to progress toward the city of Grants.

8/17/05 - Grants, NM has come and gone. It was very cold last night, rained off and on. Steve is into some very beautiful North American territory right now. He has passed the Continental Divide and the area is scenic and hilly. It has been a nice change from the dry barren desert he has grown accustomed to traversing.

8/20/05 - Steve's cell service has been out of the area off-and-on. He is on his way to Albuquerque still, although he last reported some sort of pulled muscle in his back. Many people have mentioned going to look for him, but I would advise sending an email to me first. Sometimes he is on route 66 and sometimes he travels I-40. Also, he doesn't walk in the middle of the day very much due to the UV rays and heat. To those people who have expressed interest or would like to walk with Steve, please send and email with "Walk with Steve" in the subject line, so I can pick them out from among the others and respond promptly. I will post an update when I speak with Steve again.

8/25/05 - Steve is still planning to do a journal entry about coming into Albuquerque and what has been happening the last several days, however it seems he's not been in a place where he can transmit it yet. He should be able to get it to me sometime today, so please be patient and expect a nice, long, detailed description of events of New Mexico from Steve.

8/25/05 - Over the past few weeks I have been experiencing some hard times that, simply put, got the better of me.

After walking from Holbrook, AZ to Gallup, NM though some of the most barren landscape, I entered New Mexico only to be greeted by some Monsoonal rain and cold, cold nights.   While in Gallup I met some really nice folks and enjoyed my time there a great deal. But I was not feeling 100% and probably should have stayed there a while longer and rested but I pushed on to Grants.   However, I only made it as far as the Pilot truck stop about 20 miles or so from Gallup.  There I simply pooped out; I wound up staying there for four days because I just could not get myself to get back on the road.   The combination of the rain, my pack, the distance and isolation got the better of me. 

I didn't feel like I was going to quit, I just wanted to sit in a comfortable chair, in a warm room, and relax.  So I indulged myself and that turned into four days quite easily.  Finally, I mustered the strength and broke out of my comfortable spot and got back onto the road. But feeling sick, having a sore back and being road weary combined with four days without walking I was traveling at a very slow pace.   I made it to Grants and cruised through there heading to Albuquerque which I thought was ~ 50 miles away.  Turns out it was 80.  I made it about 10 more miles down the road and was almost at a standstill.

Thankfully, my ever thoughtful and diligent wife saw that I was flailing and decided that I needed some help whether I wanted it or not.   She gave my location to an e-mailer that had been expressing interest in walking with me, thinking that they might help snap me out of my slump.  So a group of great ladies from Albuquerque who call themselves the Kat Walkers came out to walk with me.  If I knew what was in store for me I probably would have hidden from them!  They are great walkers and motivators and are sincerely dedicated to getting healthier through exercise, proper nutrition, and peer counseling. (They are a Dr. Phil weight loss group.)

Well, they came on like gang busters, snatching me up from my low point...and we hit the road. They eagerly listened to my complaints and excuses, agreed that they were valid, and then said "OK then! Let's get to the walking" and they have not let up yet. I would have hidden from them because facing the truth about my weakness and forcing myself to be responsible to myself, my family, and my journey is not what I was looking for.   Comfort, sympathy, and macaroni & cheese is was I was looking for...self indulgence in short.  What I needed though was some good support, motivation, and a swift kick in the shorts, which is exactly what they provided.

Now I am feeling better emotionally and physically, walking at a better pace and, most importantly, looking forward to the rest of my journey.   So thanks to Katherine, Kat, Julia and the rest of the groups for their support, friendship, encouragement and hospitality, without which I might still be sitting at that Stuckey's store.

Since we have been walking together we have covered a lot of ground and I have been assured of a lot more before I leave Albuquerque.   While we have walked in Albuquerque we have had several others meet up and walk with us on Central Ave. and will probably have more before I leave.  But I have had to be very discreet about my location to safeguard the anonymity of the great ladies, my Trail Angels, as they are not seeking publicity.

This has been especially hard on my April because she is sitting by waiting for me to give her the journal information but I have had to keep telling her to wait.   My wife has two or maybe three full-time jobs which she accomplishes everyday with grace and love. I am very proud of her and grateful for her support, without which I would not be able to accomplish this journey.   But as usual I am the wrench in the works, so she told me to write the journal entry this time and this has been my effort to do that.

So finally, while I am here in Albuquerque (a planned stop) I will get my glasses remade, see a couple of Doctors, have dinner with my good friend and Brother-in-law, and enjoy the company of some great new friends before I head back out into the desert. So for those of you to whom this applies, please respect that this is a soul searching journey and not a circuit race.

My goal is to walk to New York.  How or when I get there is the journey, however it unfolds.

9/01/05 - Lately, I have found myself trapped in a seemingly inescapable chaos.  I am being hounded by people from all directions.  Supporters, reporters, family, businessmen with endorsement, book deals, magic pills, boingy-boingy shoes and just about everything else.  Basically, everyone and his brother.  They all want it now, now, now!  I honestly can’t tell sometimes whether I am coming, going or already been there.  So, I decided to do the most responsible thing that I could think of.  Turn off the phone and go to the movies.  I went to see “The 40 Year Old Virgin”.  It was awesome, I have not had that good of a time in quite a while. It really went a long way to relieving some of the stress associated with being hounded to death and dodging the unscrupulous elements of the media.  Dealing with these things is sometimes more difficult that walking to Albuquerque.  If I had known this before I would have named the website “Thefatmancircus.com”. 

But these things happen when you do something like this, that is part of being outside of the normal, unconventional.  Coming to terms with these things, it turns out is an important part of the journey not too dissimilar to having to avoid ice cream.  It takes a discipline and a sort of grace under fire that I have had quite some trouble with in the past.  There will be a time when I will not be the fat man walking anymore and the closest I will get to the media will be my paperboy.  But until then I am self-obligated to finish this thing for myself, my family and all of those people out the that find motivation and inspiration in my journey.  It still remains my personal journey and I have to try and remind myself of that everyday, but now it is much more than that. It's slowly becoming a national journey, an American journey.  This makes it much more important than my personal difficulties resulting from the exposure.  “Coming to terms with it”...this seems to be a recurring phrase lately, even my mantra, in fact. 

There are some people who try and minimize the effect that my journey has on me, and on others, by saying terrible things and making hurtful statements. They have actually been successful . . . only in strengthening my resolve  to prove to myself that the walk is small potatoes to a bad-ass Marine like myself.  Don’t think that the poorly written, miss-quoted articles or even the anonymous web-maniacs are going to get the best of me. They cannot, they are only able to make me be more careful about my exact location and activities.  You know, they're cannon fodder.
 
I am still here and I am moving right along despite rumors of my demise, my wife is not running off with the money… and her girlfriend!?!, no one is dying or quitting and I have not lost my way.  I am simply doing my walk n the manner that I believe to be the right way. It is after all a journey for my life.  I am the originator of the idea, doer of the deed, and recipient of its success and failures.  I have had up days and I have had down. I have exceeded my own expectations from time to time and I have given into my weaknesses.  But I am still here. 

Getting to New York is not a matter of success or failure to me, instead it is a certainty. I have no doubt at all about my ability to get there. What is in question is whether it is necessary. I feel that this journey has been a great success for me personally because I accepted the challenge, walked out of  my security, and faced down my insecurities to get to where I am today. Happy in my own skin.

I will make it to New York because it is important for more than just myself to do so. Unless I decide to stop at the New York state border, seven miles short  of Times Square, and then just go home having failed to reach my goal. Either way I still win because I will be a happier and healthier person because of the experience.  Incredibly, so will all of you, because everyone who encourages a person to face down their fears and freely walk into the firestorm of their own personal demons, has helped more than just that person. They have helped all of us, because there is one more happier person in the world. 

What you do by building up instead of tearing down does more for our future generations than most people have ever imagined that they would do.

I have passed through Albuquerque with the help of some really incredible people. Special thanks to R&K for their incredible care and generosity, also the Kat Walkers for their zeal.  Now I have moved on and am looking forward to the next leg of the journey.  I am not going to give my location right now other than to say that I am east of Albuquerque, because I need a break as long as I am able to manage it.

I will however, say that within the next week or so you will see me again in a surprising place and it will be exciting.

Because of the time in Albuquerque and the efforts of friends I have a much greater pace now and will be moving right along.  Texas . . . Here I come.

9/5/05 - Tonight, I am resting here in Tucumcari trying to catch up on my overall journal, call friends and family that have been long neglected, and drawing some of the marvelous scenery offered by New Mexico.  (See the new photos.) This place was without a doubt the most glorious that I have ever been in my life.  In short, I have stopped walking and have started traveling my journey...and this part may go down in the books as the best. 

Tomorrow I am back at it again, heading to Amarillo.  I am going to try and get through the Texas panhandle within 10 – 12 days and be done with the desert.  Oklahoma represents the beginning of the second half of my walk and from there I will rapidly start to close in on New York City and the end of this journey.

I really don’t know what will be waiting for me at the end or what I will be after all of this, and that has been on my mind all through New Mexico. Oddly enough I feel like I am graduating High School in few months and I have no idea how my life is going to change.  Scary! 

Oh yeah, for the "A" types I wanted to say that I was weighed in Albuquerque last week and I am now 340 lbs. 

Another interesting thing is that tonight I am resting at 1000.26 (Mapquest) miles. Cool!

From the road and from my life.  

Texas

9/12/05 – Part I

Soon after embarking on this journey I came to realize that I had the whole thing all wrong.  I was looking at this problem the wrong way.

After being on the road for 5 weeks or so it started to occur to me that I was not heading to New York, but actually towards a sort of mental destruction or more accurately deconstruction. The problems that I wanted to deal with came into focus and then I realized that their numbers were few, in fact there was only one and I was it. The common element in all of the character malforming dilemmas was me.
 
Everyone has problems and as soon as you resolve one there is another there to take its place. In fact, everyone one of us will depart this life with unresolved problems.   The exquisiteness of this breakthrough is the understanding that to try and resolve a particular problem, issue or dilemma is ridiculous, futile even.   Because we cannot right the errors of past occurrences and ultimately, this is where they all dwell, unless you allow those demons the power to live with you today.  To try and fix them is to create additional avoidable problems.   A hole cannot be un-drilled.

I have been really concentrating on releasing all of the "problems" to which I have clung to so dearly, all these years.   I have really been focusing on the "Get over it" and enjoying the results of the "Moving on" and it has been great.  Like every great undertaking there is going to be failure, even momentous ones.   But ultimately success is about winning the by and large.
 
I think that I still have a ways to go and confidently I will get there but if not, that's ok too because in a lot of ways I am already there.

Part II

As far at the mechanics of my walk is concerned. I have been steadily picking up the pace after Albuquerque and am really very happy with the progress. My new longest day is 25 miles and I am still experimenting with ways to increase the distance so that I can get 25+ steadily. I have a new goal of reaching New York City by the end of 2005. I have dumped quite a few things from my pack because it is cooler here in the desert of Texas and I have had better access to resources. The best thing has been that I don’t need to carry a lot of water; in fact, the most that I have carried in the past four week has been three liters.

So my pack weight (with computer….yes a laptop) is just over 30 lbs. I know this because I went through the New Mexico Dept. of Public Safety truck scales east of Tucumcari and got weighed. It was hilarious waiting in line with the other big loads; the looks on those good old boys faces were great.

The guys there at the scales were really nice to allow me to take up their time and I wanted to give a special thanks to them, even though they wouldn’t let me shoot at any of the trucks.

I weighed in at between 335 and 340. It is a 100,000 lbs truck scale and not capable of real accurate measurements of such a small weight apparently. They made my day when they said “Small weight”, bless you boys. So after that we went to Denny’s for biscuits and gravy all around, yeah! Actually, I talked with the documentary guy for a bit and then went looking for a nice place to sleep.

So overall the last several weeks have been great. Only minor injuries, a handful of pushy reporters and the occasional hootin’ & hollerin’ from a passerby, relatively quiet. I have met several nice people and explored some incredible sights. I really like New Mexico but now I am trying to get myself across Texas as quickly as possible.

Nothing wrong with Texas mind you, very nice people here too, but I have seen enough desert already and getting into Oklahoma is symbolic for me because it is the halfway state.

In fact Oklahoma City is just about halfway.

9/18/05 - I have seen the Texas panhandle point of view and I have to tell you that Texans are great people. Gracious, kind and open people with a strong work ethic. They also are in complete amazement at how the rest of us take ourselves so seriously.

It has been nice to be here and these folks have been great. I am glad to have had this chance to meet them because it has been another learning experience for me, one where I have had to face my own judgments about people. I have found that I still possess some of the very judgments that I am always complaining about with regard to how society views overweight people.

I leave Amarillo today and will be headed out to Groom on my way to Oklahoma City. That is the halfway point on my trip and a great goal for me to attain. I will get there soon, no promises when.

I will make it a point to enjoy that city as I have all of the others on the Fatman Trail. I will give it my fullest attention and seek out those that want to enjoy it with me. I will endeavor to share it with you but honestly that is not my prime motivation. I am out here looking for my rehabilitation. If by doing that there is something in it for others then that is a bonus for me and them. 

9/20/05 - Today's journal entry comes courtesy of Josie at http://thelosthawaiian.blogspot.com/ because she put it so beautifully.  I just couldn't have said it better! - Steve

Read Josie's journal entry...

9/25/05 - For the past few days now I have been trying to write a journal entry.  I obviously have not been having much success.  

There are times during this trip when my spirits are not as high as I would like and during those times I really prefer not to talk much. I have found that the dynamics of this journey have changed and now I have a responsibility to entertain. Apparently, if I do not then I am doomed to fail. It is interesting that the lack of a journal entry seems to give cause to some people to say that I have given up or am cheating.

Well I am not going to give up because I want this for me and for my family and I won't let either down. However, I am not doing this for people's entertainment. Let me say that those people who try to bring me and this journey down are few and they really don't matter in the long run but it still does negatively affect one to see their name being besmirched. I know that the majority of people that come to this site both understand and appreciate the complexity of this thing for me and they appreciate that I am letting them in because it may help others to see that something can be done. 

Having said that I just wanted to make something clear, I am walking across the US under my own terms and by my own methods. How and where I decide to go is my prerogative and is not up for review. I am my own person and I am trying to make a change in my life as best as I can. I will decide the method, the level of commitment and the manner in which I will carry the task out. It is my journey to succeed or fail at and I am solely responsible for its outcome. I appreciate all of the kind words and that have seen me through some dark times. I appreciate the mean words as well as they have helped me with my resolve.

I am telling you all of this because I want to remind people of something very important. I am only a man, an overweight man who is trying to reclaim his life. I am not here to entertain or to show up at a function for you when you decide that I should be there. I am walking across the US to save my life and I cannot allow myself to be distracted from that. Where possible I would love to stop and talk or to have others walk with me but I cannot do it all the time. I am not trying to be seen on the road so as to prove that I am here. There have been thousands of people that have seen me out here and about a hundred or so have stopped. Additionally, there is a documentary crew following me and they have the footage of me walking……a lot. But if I decide that for whatever reason I want to get a ride to somewhere that is my choice. If I decide that I don't want to carry my pack then that too is my choice. I am not cheating anyone because I am the one who has made the rules.  I said that I was walking across the US, not running an endurance course. This is a man's journey for rehabilitation and personal salvation, a man alone fighting demons and sometimes those demons win out. That doesn't mean that they win the war. We all have set backs and failures and from time to time we let ourselves down. But the true winner is the one who picks himself back up again and carries on.

I am not going to apologize because some people think that I am not doing this walk correctly, especially since I don't see them out here doing it themselves. There is much more to walking across the country than just walking. There is a world of problems to face out here and some that require a departure from the norm and these things are what make the difference. Things like, overcoming adversity and weakness, long term depravation and isolation, real world intrusions and then the self to name a few.

I would like to go home now because I have been out here for what seems like a couple of years but I know that I have a long road ahead and a lot of people counting on me. I will continue my walk and I will complete it but I will not allow it to be ruined because I was too weak to stand up to those who would try and devalue it for me.

In the end, when this is all over I will have a similar journey. I will have to look myself in a mirror and say, I am proud of what I have done. There is no greater scrutiny and not unlike this journey, I will face that moment alone.

As for the journal entry, well I have found my self torn lately between what is important to me now and what will be important later, namely the documentary. It is important to me now that I don't allow myself to be influenced by it and most of the time that is the way that it is. But lately I have been distracted because of that documentary.

You see the problem is that the crew just arrived to be on scene continually about a month ago. The first four months they were here every couple of weeks or so and unfortunately they have missed a lot of great things. This is my opinion of course. So in an effort to help them get more of the important stuff, namely the people that I meet, I have spent more time in the last four cities than I would normally. This has caused quite a bit of speculation but I assure you that hanging out is not as easy as it sounds. The crew is great, don't get me wrong, and they have not been remiss in the filming duties at all.

The problem is that until about 5-6 weeks ago no one was interested in the documentary. The filmmakers have been paying for everything on their own. So this has made it difficult for them to be here constantly. So while they are busy trying to secure funding for their project I am still walking on through great places and meeting great people and they get missed by the crew. This has been disheartening for me because I really think that the whole point of me being in the public is for everyone to see that people are great and that doing this type of thing is worth all of the hardship.

So, I a have been at odds with the documentary crew lately and trying to force them to see more of the cities and its people than I would normally. But this has cost me dearly in time and in miles. So, I have resolved myself to make the best of the situation and continue on, trusting in the crew to do their best to accurately portray the true value of this walk and its effects on me.

Now, I am now on the road steady again and moving right along. I stopped to rest for the night in a small town east of Amarillo and tomorrow I will be making my way on to the next one. I hope to be in Oklahoma in a few days as I am looking forward to the halfway point and the other half of the trip. This part of Texas is very flat and I can see all the way to the horizon, I can see the next city 15 miles before I get there and I can tell you that is hard on the brain. It really demonstrates how far I have to go. But at the same time it is evidence of how far I have come.

October 2005 - Oklahoma

10/03/05 - version four.

I have been laboring for several days now to write a journal entry. I am in a situation that makes it hard to focus on something like the journal long enough to make it make any sense. So I have had a hell of a time. Whatever I write I hear about it from one side of the fence or the other. Too much detail not enough detail, wrong details. Well I have written three journal entries so far and they all leave me a bit dissatisfied. So this is the fourth version and hopefully the one to be posted. Maybe I should post them all to show how much is really going on.

Well the last couple of weeks have been rough to say the least. April and I are at odds because of some personal matters and barely speaking at the moment. I have managed to anger most of the people that are helping with this walk because of my stubbornness and refusal to cooperate until certain things are taken care of and finally, I have been slowly descending into madness over the whole thing. You see there is a great deal more to the story than you already know. I am dealing with more than my responsibility for the deaths of those people, weight gain and troubles as an adult. There is a whole lifetime before this period of my life that has brought me to where I am today. There are a lot of things to live through and I am having trouble now because it seems that some would have me do things a certain way without understanding why I am doing it in the first place.

I have lost my way and am trying to get back to the task at hand which is finishing this journey. I have allowed myself to be distracted by the periphery and not focusing on that which is truly important, the journey. So I have taken this weekend and really tried to make as much sense of all this that I can and I feel better for it. I have made the appropriate calls and changed things as necessary and feel that I can get back to it with some sense of order.

So here the journal begins.

I was really unhappy with the weigh in last week. I knew it was going to be bad but I still wasn’t prepared for it. I have gained eight pounds since my last weigh in. I know that most of that came because of the change in routine that really started back in Tumcumcari.

You see it is all about options. When you have too many it is almost natural to take the easiest one. Well that is what I did. I am still walking and of course there is the inevitable plateau and I am there presently. But the thing that has really changed is the availability of food and that has been devastating. I am a flawed human being just like everyone else and I will sometimes give into my weaknesses. This I have done over the past three to four weeks and I am paying the price for it now.

I have been slowly convincing myself that I am going to fail an that has lead directly into feeling sorry for myself. These two are deadly on their own but then factor in all of the outside influences, family, money, etc. and there is a reason to indulge. Or at least that is what one convinces himself of.

I have had a sort of breakdown which has caused me to lash out at those around me and I have to find a way to make it up to them because they are not the problem, I am. No one likes to face a failure and especially when they need to embrace it to be able to carry on. I transferred a lot of my problems onto others and looked for someone to point the finger towards. It is me that is to blame, no others. So, I am in recovery phase and I have some lost effort to reclaim.

I have been moving on as required but with a resentful mindset and I have not used my time or distance wisely. But I am not going to dwell on those thing, instead I am going to re-invent this walk and make the second half more productive or least more productive in a different direction. I have met some nice people in Texas and I have had the misfortune of meeting some not so nice people there, but now I am in Oklahoma and I am looking at this as the start of my second journey. I am putting the past miles behind me and am going to follow a whole new program. I am going to focus in the second half on both physical and mental rehabilitation.

I have lost a considerable amount of weight up to now but it has been almost entirely in the bottom half of my body. So I am now going to incorporate more exercise for the rest of my body. I am currently trying to develop an exercise and nutrition routine that will focus not only on weight loss but on upper and mid body development. Secondly, I am going to deal with a few lingering issues and learn to tolerate things more than I have ever been able to do before.

First, there is the criticism. I can take it from someone who can do better than I can but not from someone who has never even tried the thing. I grew up in a very tough environment in a rough part of a city once referred to as Murdertown USA and you simply did not tolerate a lot of nonsense from people. Then I joined the Marines where a man is judged by his abilities and is required to be faithful to his comrades whether they are at his level or not. You see Marines never leave a man behind so if one of your fellow Marines is having a tough time you step in and help him. This is a concept that is foreign to a lot of people who criticize just for the hell of it. There is no code of honor among the disenchanted and I am expecting them to rise to my level. This is an unreasonable expectation and the fact that I see them on a lower level is in itself and dishonor to me. I have a lot to learn and that is the first concept that I have to work on, acknowledging that I have a lot to learn.

So I am going to endeavor to be more humble and less judgmental of those that cackle from the sidelines. Oops there I go again.

Back to the walk, I really just shot right through Groom, Alanreed and McLean because I as in no mood to deal with very many people. I did however visit a museum and an antiques store in McLean, I bought a present there for my little girl but it was broken while I was boxing it in Shamrock. I accidentally picked up the box before it was secured and the thing fell on the ground and broke. I was so angry that I threw it away. “”If I wanted a broken present for my daughter I would have bought it from the broken present store!”” That is what I yelled to the documentary guy. Poor guy had a hard week. I even chewed him out because he likes Audi's. What kind of a nimrod likes Audi’s…..there I go again huh. Well I have to apologize to him because by the end of the week he was carrying a side arm in case I freaked out. (Only kidding).

There was a drunk driver on the freeway between Groom and Alanreed that was all over the road and scared the bejeebers out of me and the camera guy. Oh by the way their names are Dave, PJ and Pierre. I keep calling them camera guys and they deserve at least a name. We visited the cross monument. This is the largest cross in the western hemisphere. I was more interested in the old man at the door who was in charge of the guestbook. An old man with a decidedly Austrian looking hat on, Guten Tag I said and he looked at me like I was crazy and said, “Sign the guestbook and say something nice”. Hey I am not the one with the nutso hat. Anyway he was a nice guy and seems to have lived a long and interesting life. After a few minutes I signed the booked but I didn’t say anything except “Traveling” he looked at it, smiled and said Guten Tag. I left happy. It sometimes is the small things in life that matter. Remembering that is the trick though.

10/03/05 - version one

There are a lot of people out there fooling themselves into believing that they have it all figured out. I am starting to recognize that the harder they try to convince you that they are right the more you can be assured that it is really them that they are trying to convince. If I were to have gone out and purchased every book that has been suggested I would need a bookmobile following me. I appreciate all of the suggestions and pick and choose from them. But the amazing ones are those that repeatedly email me saying that I obviously am not serious about this because I haven't mentioned having bought their suggested read. Some even go as far as suggesting that without their books help I am doomed to fail. The absolute nerve, the ego, the patheticness, the self-centeredness. I am amazed.

Some people are still thinking that losing weight is a simple matter of walking x miles and dropping x pounds. These are the same people that make the weightloss industry a 30 billion dollar a year industry. Looking for a cure or looking for a pill looking for some balanced equation. Well being over weight is anything but balanced. It is the epitome of being out of wack, it requires a lot of dedication to bad behaviors and time to make those behaviors habit. It requires a disregard of ones own health to allow for the self-destructiveness to take over. It is not as simple as x miles = x pounds. Anyone who thinks that it is just plain naive.

This is a hole that I have dug for myself. It was easy getting here but now I am the only one able to get myself out of this hole and that is not a good bet. If your car runs out of gas and you need to go to the gas station to get more you won't expect that car to take you there. It is the problem and a solution is required that is independent of it. But humans don't work that way. When we breakdown we have to be the ones to fix the problem. Smokers who have quit need to have extra resolve around their friends who still smoke. Drug addicts try to stay away from drugs and keep clean.

But what about someone who has had difficulties with emotional problems, what do they do? Where does one go for his respite? How do you avoid your addiction? You cannot, so you must attempt to fix the problem with the very tool that is broken. It is an arduous task under the best of circumstances but go ahead and throw the non-stop barrage of life into the mix, the ceaseless nonsensical input from the people in the background and the demands of those in the foreground. You own personal demands, demons, weaknesses and desires and you have the setting for one epic battle. It truly is a wonder that we ever accomplish anything considering the circumstances.

That is the beauty of this journey is that I am willing to sacrifice it all on small chance that I will be successful because that small chance is better than the odds given if I continue trying to grow in the very environment that brings me down. I have a saying, well I have several, but this is one of my favorites. "Repeating the same behavior, but expecting different results” That fit me perfectly. I have always tried to be a happier person, tried to let go of the past and trust people more but I seldom make any progress and that progress is usually given back when something goes wrong. I am repeating the same behavior, expecting different results. It is one of the definitions of insanity. I don't want to be insane, so I am taking time out of my life to get it straight. I have less nonsense in my life because I am just being me. But at the same time the usual suspects have been replaced by another motley crew of suspects.

My Mom is a great source of wisdom for me, sometimes by what she says and sometimes by what she does. I live in California and she in Ohio. I have been trying to get her to come and visit me in California for years but she always says the same thing for her reason to put the visit off. She says “When I get caught up on these bills then I will come to see you.” I don't think she understood how profound a thing she had said. It resonates in my head till this very day. When will there be a time when we are caught up on bills? How many things have we missed because of that mindset? How often do we forego a great life experience so that we can be responsible to a faceless somebody at the end of that postal exchange? Does that person appreciate the sacrifice that we have made? Is that person making the same sacrifices? In short, going by my Mom's words I will never see her again. If we wait until the bills are caught up before living our lives then we have forfeited the very thing for which work.

That is why it is easy for me to walk away from a good credit score, owning property like a house and a couple of cars because I looked at the question from a different angle.

Am I willing to die for these things? Am I willing to forfeit my life, my very short time on this planet, for them? Am I willing to sacrifice my children’s happiness, for those things? The answer is an unwavering no. Then why am I doing it. Well for me now, I am not.

I was willing to risk it all to get the time and space needed to focus on me. Focus on making me a better person. That is why this story appeals to people and that is why there is an offer of a book deal. Do you think for a minute that if there were no public interest in this story that I would have been offered a book deal? So am I really the one who is "Doing it"? Or am I the one who is the fortunate recipient of your graciousness and generosity.

Should I tell these folks no when they say that they want me to write a book. Or when they say that they want to tag along to make a documentary? Well the answer depends on how it affects me. If by writing my journal and having conversations with people a book is formed then great. If the documentary crew are here and they don't impede my progress then go right ahead. But when these thing start to alter the journey then they have to go. Because at the end of the day what good would I have accomplished for myself and my family if this time is wasted.

I am starting this trip over from here. I am approaching the second half of the trip from a different perspective. The survival part is done. I made it through the desert during the hottest time of the year, because I could. There was no support vehicle for that 1200 miles and I carried everything that I needed or I did without it. That cannot be taken away from me now. But the next part of the trip is going to be different; I am planning to make this part of the trip the physical and mental education part. I am speaking with a nutritionist and life coach. I am going to get a support vehicle for the last part and I am going to focus on the physical rehabilitation needed to be in the best possible shape I can be in.

Secondly, there is another difference in this half. This is going to be the no bullshit phase. All of the noise makers in the background will be eliminated. All of the jokers with their schemes and promises will be pushed aside. Only the ones who are here for me will be allowed to be a part of this journey. I don't care how powerful or how much they can "help me". If they are not actually in the game then what good are they? I need to have people with me that are here to help and not just to get their name associated with mine because of the notoriety. I need real people that are looking to be there for me and not trying to profit from me. So, to that end I have decided that I am taking charge of this last part of the trip in its entirety.

10/09/2005 - Is Elk City Oklahoma the cultural epicenter of America?

I am here in Elk City Oklahoma and because my lowly little cell phone had tragically reached the end of its life, prematurely, I am waiting for Fedex and will not be here till Monday morning. I don’t mind though because this place has been one of those rare finds along my way and I am lucky to be taking a break here. You might not realize but this place is the start of the more densely populated region of the United States. See the pictures that I have added. But that is not the charm of this place, not by a long shot.

It has turned cold now and I am in the process of making the necessary preparations for the colder season.  It is not completely unfamiliar to me however. I did grow up in northeastern Ohio and I lived in England for a couple of years.  I don’t like the cold but I also don’t fear it.  I really don’t see the difference between 30 degrees in Pennsylvania and 123 degrees in Arizona. They both have their difficulties and both pose challenges but they can be overcome. The cold snap has been a nice change though.  The smell of wood burning and crisp Midwest air is nice and really it is right on cue.  I have never been happier to see the end of the desert in my life. I have driven that same route several times and hoped furiously not to have the misfortune of breaking down there.  Walking it is a whole different matter, like boot camp, I am glad that I did it but am not interested in doing it again anytime soon. 

But now I am in the mid-west, the Bible belt, the start of a different sort of America.  The mid-west represents the majority of homegrown Americans and that honor is not missed on them.  They are happy to be here and rightfully so because they have something real, something that you cannot import and plant then get the same result. It is something about the land I think, a connection that only comes from really living here.  They are neither pretentious nor humble, they just are.  I went to several social places over the last couple of days and the thing that struck me most was the familiarity that they all had with one another. It is a history that doesn’t ring true with someone not from here but true all the same. A quality about it that again is only present here and cannot be exported. 

I saw a great high school football game, kids hanging out, teens cruising, looking for fun and the adults looking on with a contented look that is as unfamiliar to me as speaking Greek. It is amazing to watch the interactions and think that this is a foreign place. This cannot be the same America that we see on TV.  Where is the crime, where is the terror, where is the sin and debauchery?  You can see the cultural exchange of ideas here and in fact it is so profoundly odd to me that I noticed it like I would notice an Amish buggy working its way through downtown San Diego.

There was a waitress who was obviously local and country through and through.  She was getting some guff from a regular who put a nickel on her table and said don’t spend it all in one place.  She quipped; oh I certainly won’t do that.  The cowboy tried to extend his moment by motioning that he would take the nickel back and the woman replied. You better back up off my nickel! I was thoroughly amused with this exchange.  That phrase was a decidedly urban phrase and here I am hearing it in a country diner in Elk City Oklahoma.  How did it get here? Was she hip-hop in disguise?  Later I went to a local dance hall to see what was doin’ there and I was again amazed to see cowboys and cowgirls dancing to hip-hop music and then country & western on the very next song, without skipping a beat. Also, the two step dance actually has more than two steps, who knew!?!

There was a large crowd and they all seemed to be experienced in this phenomena of dancing simply for dancing’s sake. Me however, I was amazed because it was not at all what I thought it would be.  They were all there enjoying the time and not concerning themselves with societal imposed boundaries, instead they did what felt good and feeling good is the component that I was missing, I finally realized. That is what makes this place different, they feel good; they are content with what they have and are not busy ruining it with misguided attempts to improve or alter it.  The fruit is the right color, the grass is green enough and they have not imported a single tree to remind them of some other place.  They live here and here is where they live. It is amazing in its simplicity.

Most of the people that I deal with in my life today are like me in that they are always looking to make things better.  We miss the beauty in the things that we have because we are waiting for the newer version, the improved version the next thing that will surely make our lives………….livable, Life 2.0.

Well as for me, I have been very reactionary lately in my dealing with people and I have been receiving a lot of………….We will call it input.  This input has not been easy for me to accept and I have reacted negatively to it.  But only a complete fool would hang on to a sinking boat.  Sometimes we are forced to abandon it because we know that its future is limited and this is what I have had to do this week. I have had to admit my flaws, swallow my pride and say OK I was wrong. 

This is where I think that we go wrong sometimes.  We let our pride or our ego get in the way of doing the right thing and then spend too much valuable time trying to validate that thing and sooner or later the lines become blurred.  I am trying to not let this happen to me and that is no small task I assure you.  I have been accused of being very stubborn and rightfully so. I have even gone down with the boat a few times because of my refusal to humble myself. 

I am on this journey to find out who and what I am and then when I get some enlightenment I am standing there arguing with it.  What sort of madness is that?  Am I becoming the guy who wanders around the country side arguing with rocks and Buicks looking for redemption that I wouldn’t be capable of recognizing if I did actually find it?  Are you ready for another Stevism here?  Sometimes I am so clueless that you could sneak a big yellow school bus past me.

Well there it is.  I am in the heartland of America amongst some of the most progressive and culturally advanced people that the country has to offer and I was ready to walk right past them because I thought that I knew who these people were before I even got here. 

How many times in a lifetime does a person do that?  How many times have we passed up good enough on the road to perfect not knowing that perfect is not at the end of that road at all? Are we always waiting for the better thing, the better us and losing the good enough us in the process.  Well I am not sure what the answer is but I am starting to think that the question may be the problem and not the lack of its answer.  What are we fighting against here anyway? Obesity? Addiction? Bad behaviors? These are all different definition of concepts born of man and we give them incredible power to rob us of our lives because we have to find the solution.  Well it seems to me that if we stopped trying so hard to be something other that what we are we would be much happier. Being happier would certainly cause a lot of our pain, our fears and anxieties to dissolve away and at the end of the day aren’t those the things that are keeping us tied down to our problems? Is it a diet that we need or a comedy club? Do we really need to learn to count carbs and run screaming from fats or do we need to learn to let go and try to live a happy life. In the process defeating the demons and taking away the things that hold us down.  I don’t know the answer, I am looking just like everyone else but what I do know is that the answers that we have so far are not working all that well and maybe it is time for some new ones.  Happiness seems like a good place to start.  Now go and call someone that you haven’t talked to in a while and let them know that you were thinking about them.  Then sit back and consider the ripple effect of so simple a gesture.

10/16/05 - On the road . . .again
 
As you know, I've had some issues for the past few weeks and have been walking less and less.  Like I said before, the break was necessary to resolve some issues and I don't regret the lost time, because ultimately it will prove to be more valuable to me because it gave the respite needed to get some things right.  This will ultimately help me to focus more on the task at hand. 

This being said though, there is a price to be paid for this slow time.  The main cost to me is the loss of routine and flow.  I walked 10 miles today, and I feel like I just had the hell beat out of me.  I have a pulled muscle in my back, my legs and neck are stiff, and I am absolutely worn out. 

The second big problem is that I have lost my focus and momentum.  It takes a lot out of you to be outside everyday walking, dealing with the monotony.  During the first part of the walk, this took me some time to adjust to, and there were plenty of " What the hell am I doing here" sessions.  But after doing this for a while, a calm comes over you, your attention turns inward, and time seems to accelerate.  This, I think is how people cope with some very trying times and get through them.  It is a very good tool to have. 

When I say tool, that actually implies a sense of control over it, and as such, I have no control over it.  Or  at least not consciously anyway.  It seems to arrive right before you quit, right before the thing becomes maddening.  It cannot be summoned by me as a useful tool; instead it arrives as a shield from breakdown. 

Unfortunately I am not there yet, and won't be until the time is right.  And the time won't be right until I have walked through the many other mental and physical obstacles that exist between here - me just wanting to sit and relax - and there - the point where I reach my inner strength to do what is necessary. 

It occurred to me that this is the thin line between success and failure that you always hear people talk about.  I always considered this line to be something you had to cross once and never revisit, but it's clear to me now that this is no line at all, instead it is a decision-making process that we all have to go through every day.  In fact, we go through it many times per day.  Each time we have what seems to be the simplest decision to make we find ourselves dealing with that division between success and failure.  When we choose soda over water, TV show over walk, chocolate over granola, whatever the choice is, it places us securely somewhere between success and failure. 

That is where I am at now.  And even worse, I am revisiting old territory, having already learned how to be on my own in the outdoors.  Now I am going through it again, because of my decision to stop and spend time dealing with peripheral issues that were causing me too much distraction. The difference this time is that I have the success of having walked through the desert during the hottest time of the year on my side. Now I know that I can do it whereas, before I only thought that I could do it.  So I am on the road again, trying to do better this time.  I still have the same goal as before of reaching New York City before the end of the year, but now I am feeling the time crunch and know that I have to do more now to be able to achieve that same goal.

10/17/05

Well the last few days have been very event filled to say the least. The highlights are that I met some really interesting people this week and was reinvigorated by that.  Then I pulled a muscle in my back by lifting the pack incorrectly and I could hardly sleep that night. Not so invigorated by that.  The next day was tough going but I managed 10 miles and was happy with it. I did an interview with Oprah and I talked with a class of High school kids in Elk City. The weather has been great and I am feeling strong.

I was really pushing to get to Clinton by last night because of the Oprah Show interview this morning. (Pictures to come in a few days, I hope) I told them to look for me in the Clinton area and I didn’t want to fail to be here, so I had to walk even though my back was not 100%. I stretched and warmed up that morning more than usual and that seemed to help a bit. I did have to stop and take two naps on the way though, I was really beat from the lack of sleep the night before.

Over all it was a long day but a nice one. The weather was great and I met several people along the way. I even signed a signature door at Billy and Iris’s house. (See picture page). I was also found by Chuck Gibson who was out cruising on his motor cycle, looking for me. I felt bad because he had to push the motorcycle while we walked but he is another Marine and of course, he never complained.

The producer from the Oprah show even met up with us out there. A very busy day all in all but I still managed to keep moving. This is my new tactic for not losing too much time visiting with people. Keep moving!

So this morning was an interesting one because I talked with Oprah and that is not something that happens everyday. It was a big deal with a satellite truck, cameras, Highway Patrolmen, and a lot of waiting. It was an interesting experience and then talking with Oprah was a bit unreal to be honest. But she and her crew were remarkable and made the whole thing easy.

But I am not letting it all go to my head; I have people to do that for me.

Oprah’s interview was fun but the best part of the day came later. I didn’t know this but the documentary crew had an appointment back in Elk City with a high school psychology class and I was invited. So I went there and spoke with the kids for a couple of hours in the afternoon. I told them that I wasn’t nervous about talking with Oprah but that they scared the hell out of me. They were a great group and had some of the best questions that I have been asked so far this trip.

I have to say thanks to the Principal Rick McNeil and the psychology teacher Sheryl Kimball, for being able to bring all of that together in such a short period of time. They really went out of their way to be a part of this thing. It was a great experience and I don’t think that I will forget any of them anytime soon.

Well the rest of the story is that I am changing my routine a bit and I am already seeing results. I am incorporating more exercise in my day and really focusing on better eating habits, whenever possible. I am feeling better physically and mentally as a result and really seem to be getting back on track after my little slow period. The weather is changing and with it my excitement. I am getting into the mid-west during a challenging period and I like the challenge. I grew up in this part of the country but that gives little solace when you are cold, stranded and have had to eat the documentary crew to survive. So I am making the necessary changes in equipment and route planning to hopefully avoid that.

I have been trying to decide whether to go through my hometown or to by-pass it to save on the additional mileage and also as a result, to take the flatter southern Pennsylvania route instead of the northern mountainous one. This makes the documentary guys happier because they don’t want to be eaten. I am not decided yet but I will let you know. Oh that reminds me; please don’t email me to tell me that it is cold in the mid-west in the winter time. I know this now if I didn’t already. Geez. I didn’t take the easy route, I took the route that posed the most challenges, desert in the summer and east coast in the winter. Taking the easy route is what brought me to this place in my life in the first place.

And finally, as for the question of my weight I am now 337 lbs. I have seen a decrease but I think that it is due to water weight loss. But the good indicator is that I have had to adjust another two inches from my backpack belt. I will keep you posted on the weight but if it isn’t clear by now let me say again that I am not measuring the success of this journey by a number on a scale, I am measuring it by the feeling that I have inside. There is no magical correlation between reaching New York City and being trim. In fact I have recently come to realize that New York actually represents the beginning of the lifelong trip that I have embarked on not the end.

10/24/05 - Cold, Cold, Cold, damn it was cold last night. I was in the unfortunate area between Clinton and Weatherford near the Oklahoma Wind Farm. This area is unfortunate because of that wind farm; you see a requirement of such a farm is wind and lots of it. (http://www.ompa.com/windfarm.htm)

It happened to be my luck that I was running out of daylight right in this area and had to find a place to camp. It was nice all day and I had no reason to think that was going to change but around 10 pm it did.

I had set up camp in a nicely wooded area and that helped with the breaking the wind some but I needed to change my sleeping bag to a cold weather one and to add another layer to the tent. If I didn’t do this then by morning I would be frozen.

I decided to set a campfire to warm me up a bit so I gathered up the needed materials, purposefully cleared away an area of about 7 feet around the fire spot and dug a small containment area. I then looked for my trusty $8.00 camping lighter and guess what. I must have left it with the other gear that I purged back in Elk City. So here I was faced with another dilemma. I went to a lot of trouble to prepare the area suspending comfort temporarily for the future benefit of a fire and then there was no fire. Over a stupid lighter, what kind of a camper am I to forget such an essential thing. Well I was left with only one option and that was to go Boy Scout on the damned thing.

So I looked around for an appropriately split piece of dry wood and a rubbing stick and got started creating some friction. It has been quite some time since I had utilized this particular skill but it was amazing how easy it was to get it going. About 10 minutes and I had the beginnings of a nice camp fire. Also I wasn’t so cold any more because of all of the work getting the damned thing started. Well I must say that I was quite proud of myself and looked around for someone to show my handiwork…..Oh yeah I’m alone.

Well after enjoying the fire for a while and gathering more fuel, which I set within arms reach of the tent so that I could keep the flames going, I settled in for the night. It was a great feeling I must admit and probably one of the best nights that I have had out here yet. Between the seclusion and now warmth of this campsite I slept very nicely indeed.

Then the cold, cold morning came and I was prepared for it. I had assembled all of the things that I would need in the morning and placed them inside my sleeping bag with me to get them warm. It didn’t take long to get the smoldering campfire back up and I had a rather pleasant morning, a little preparation goes a long way. I started on my way to the city of Weatherford but it was bitterly cold now and the wind was going strong. As I passed the actual wind turbines it was so cold that I thought that I might freeze in place while walking but I didn’t and I just kept on walking.

By the time that I made it to Weatherford I had developed a good blister and was very tired. I stopped at this little Mexican restaurant (Called Little Mexico appropriately enough), where I warmed up and relaxed for a while. Then I made my way the last two miles to a hotel where I am now. I checked on the weather and in the area where I was last night the temperature dipped down to 30 degrees. This isn’t as easy as it seems folks. In fact walking sometimes is the easiest part.

This is what I found on Weather.com

What about me? I’m tender! Well not really, some might even say that I am a little too hardboiled.

In either event it is just something that I need to adapt to and that is what I am doing; today I am going to buy a camp heater.

Oh yeah, and a stinkin’ lighter! I wonder if they sell Sherpa’s at Wal-mart?

An additional post today.

“”A little something that I posted on the Yahoo group.””

Only 3 to 5 percent are successful and why I think that is the case.

The 3 or 5 percent that are successful in losing and keeping the weight are not an anomaly they are the determined few. Some of you are talking as thought this number is a rigidly fixed thing and I don't think that it is at all. I think that our success is based on whether we want it enough and are ready to keep working at maintaining it. This is what I mean when I talk about doing something that is sustainable for the rest of you life.

I firmly believe that the radical methods are doomed to fail because, as humans, most are always looking for and are determined to exist in the path of least resistance. This is actually a natural state for people to exist in because if something it continually too hard, too rigid or requires too much effort we will eventually lose interest and return to the natural state. (The path of least resistance.).

So my point is that if you are going to try and completely reinvent yourself then you have to be prepared for one of two things. The first is that you exist in an artificially maintained state which requires constant vigilance and dedication or you have to accept that your new you is eventually going to lose its motivation and return to it former self, the real you.

Or the alternative which is to find a happy medium, a balance in which you can exist with a nominal amount of extra effort and distraction yet still strive to attain steady realizable goals.

We do not live in a perfect world and to try and create a perfect solution is not logical. We need to make ourselves fit into this world and not the other way around. So if we want to make that percentage of successful people a higher number then is seems to me that we might want to try a new approach.

Maybe not trying so hard might be the answer. Work smart not hard!

10/28/05

I have been having some trouble writing a journal entry again and have gone through a couple of drafts but none of them feel right. As you already know I am not one to write a journal entry just for the sake of it. I prefer to write about things that mean something and doing that takes a lot of soul searching and sometimes that is harder than the walking.

I have been concerned lately that I am not learning the things that I need and maybe even wasting my time out here. This causes me to slow down writing the journal because I don’t want to bring people down because I am down. I am doing OK emotionally don’t get me wrong. But I am really starting to see what my weaknesses are and that is not a fun place to be. I am addicted to food, especially sugar, and it is something that is really hard to avoid, especially when you are not trying very hard. I really thought that by this stage of the walk I would have lost more weight, I have lost 73 lbs and that is great but I fear that as soon as I stop walking I will gain it all back. This will definitely be the case if I fail to get the food issues resolved and that is one tall order.

There is a website that claims that food is worse than crack and I am starting to believe it. Food is more readily available and cheap to obtain. There is no fear of arrest for having it and no one will criticize you for indulging yourself, but if abused, then like any addiction it will surely kill you. (http://foodisworse.typepad.com)

There is a discussion going on right now on the Yahoo group about the pros and cons of bariatric surgery and I have stayed out of it while I thought about the subject. A lot of people have tried a lot of things and some have been successful in all of the different methods of weight loss. The surgery however scares me because if you are altering your body to cure an emotionally based problem then you are probably going to be one of those who gain it all back. There is report after report that a large number of people that have had the surgery have regained the weight. I am not surprised about this at all because of my own food addiction that I mentioned earlier. If how I am now is a result of my bad behavior and my apparent willingness to sacrifice my own health, how can I expect a stomach stapling operation to change that? I will find a way to abuse food or possibly abuse something else instead. It is the behavior that needs to be addressed and not the stomach because it is what we put into put bodies that needs controlling and reducing the size of the stomach will not achieve this if you are determined to hold onto the bad behavior. That is where I believe that I am now.

For all of the efforts over the past seven months I still routinely blow it by giving in to my weaknesses. If I can force myself to do this walk then why can’t I force myself to be more responsible with my food choices? If I had the answer to that question I think that I could save myself a few states worth of walking. But that is why I am out here, to discover the answer and hopefully this is part of the process. Free your mind and your ass will follow – George Clinton, I think that those lyrics are really more profound then I ever imagined them to be.